12/24/2004 a bummed out christmas, again

4 years ago, it was like this too...except that time I thought that things would change for the better. and they did, superflalously, and it came back to haunt me in a much bigger way.

an email I wrote to Pastor Dennis and his reply......

-----Original Message-----
From: Yvonne_Man@idx.com [mailto:Yvonne_Man@idx.com]
Sent: Wednesday, December 22, 2004 3:31 PM
To: ngdennis@scacseattle.org
Subject: Hi


Hi Pastor Dennis,

I had the best intention to drop by your house to give you the gift, but since the in-laws had been here, everything had been difficult. I think we'll have to send that gift next year!!!

I have been so bummed out. I had originally thought that I'd be OK with their extended visit. But even the first 2 days had been extremely difficult. I have been praying to have love and patience but the many bad memories are lingering on and I am very much on the edge. The slightest thing will trigger me to go to a bad mood. The only positive thing is Herman hasn't lost his cool like he did last time, so he hasn't yelled at me yet. but we are close to having a fight. We just avoid talking that's all

I have got 3 more weeks to go. I am very negative and bitter inside. As a Christian I know I need to forget and forgive but it's just very hard this time. I kept asking why I can't just have Christmas with Herman and Ethan alone? I hate Christmas and I have no way of getting my mind focused on the reason for the celebration. This is so painful and I feel just desperate.

OK thanks for listening... perhaps we'll hook up next year

Yvonne


Yvonne,

Don’t worry about dropping off the gift. We were just talking about the two of you on our own last night. We also prayed for you two during our morning walk.

If at this very moment avoiding talking to one another will help prevent a fight, it might not be a bad idea to not talk as the moment gets tense. We understand it is very difficult for you. You are somewhat ‘alone’ in the midst of this whole holiday. If it is possible for you to swing over after work or whenever you can swing over, we can lend our shoulders for you to shed your tears. You don’t need to put any more pressure on yourself. Yes, we are Christian and we ought to do this and that. But don’t forget we are also human and we have our limitation. You are no exception. Just hang on to your dear life and tough it out. Just think about it, another day is almost gone and you are one day closer to the end of the tunnel. Our home is always opened for you if you need a short break. Use the excuse of the pastor wants to see Ethan for Christmas to get away for few hours. It might work…:P BTW, I want to see Ethan too…I miss him…we can only look at his pictures which we put on the refrigerator in the kitchen. He is so cute……

Take care,

Dennis Ng
Renton Chinese Alliance Church
425-255-6293

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Yesterday Susan announced that Pete and Jeff got a promotion. JEff deserved it yes, but Pete? By "NOT doing work" he got a promotion...that sure teaches us something ;o) Well! I am sad but theN I know that I have traded in my promotion for a flexible scheulde like this. I received a score of 1 - "exceedingly impressive " or walks on water, from dave, but yet I don't have a promotion. But Ethan is my prize! He's all that matters right now. I'll get my promotion when I deserve it.

Tomorrow is IDX holiday so the office has cleared out a long time ago. I just went to check on ethan and he's asleep, so I came back up. As I am sitting here by myself, i realized, that I am sad, yes, but it suddenly dawned on me that it's not all about me. It's about feeling sad around christmas. what about all the homeless poeple who are in the cold and are hungry? Perhaps the lord is telling me to empathasize during this holiday season?

i find it extremely difficut to come out of that rut. Even the slightest hint of me wanting to talk more, gave the false impression that I am ok and want to be a buddy...no I am not. Carol doesn't understnad why I have to be so bitter. she encourages me over and over again to take it easy. She doens't understnad that I have had a long history of abuse from my 99. Perhaps it also doesn't help with me being less than the average optimistic person. This is severe tortue, and I think Herman finds it far-fetch that anyone can be as a drama queen as I am... I haven't talked to him in days. He left me alone and I am happy that he is. We borderlined fighting a few times so perhaps keeping each other's mouth shut is the best. I so very much wish to tell him that 1 month is way too long and perhaps next Christmas we can have just the 3 of us.... When they leave and when we are back to ourselves maybe I can say that. But I don't think herman will ever do it for me. Not that he won't do it, just that he thinks it's too unbelievable that I ma that demanding. This all because he can't sympathaize my hurt. With Mike's hurt, he could. It bothers him that Mike hurt me, but he didn't - or don't know what to do, with his mom's hurt.

I just now want to be calm and just so that my emotions doesn't swing up and down like this. it sucks.
one day, when we all go to heaven, we'll have no tears