4/21/2005 a great, radical discovery session with Barbara

As I walked to KFC getting dinner after Barbara's appt today. I reminded myself to unclench and take a deep breath. I was in deep thoughts, I condiered what we had today, a radical break through. My next step is to unveal this to herman and see if he would agree.

We skipped one week of session. 2 weeks ago we made some important discoveries. Part of the reason that my relationship with my mom changed, as as result of the soup incident, was because i felt that mom "failed one for me". I "had hope" to catch 99 rat-handed (sp?) and point to everyone that she's the trouble maker. Why? Because, with the strong evidence, heramn and lo yeah will see it once again in their own eyes, that 99 is unreasonable and controlling and that it's not only ME who thinks that. (So far I am the only person who will outright think that she's abnormal...herman may think that, but he hasn't admit to it, he has only asked me to do different thigns to yield to her) I want the acknowledgement from Herman that his mom is abnormal, and therefore I deserve the space he cut for me, and the support that he needs to have for me. But my mom failed this one. now, herman has some ammunition to come back and say, "Sure, my mom is unresonable, sometimes; but your mom instigated it and look, she's not all that rational either". Now I have lost that one-sided confirmation that everything would've been fine if it had not been 99's craziness.

Today's radical discovery : It even took me a while to digest it.... Barbara and I talked about something that I've never considered... What if 99 moves across the street from us. What would herman's reaction be... I answered without having to ponder too much, "he'd be very happy". So far it's just me resisting that idea, in fact they have already had "plans in their heads to move closer".... Barbara said,"How likely would it be, that Herman actually prefers them to stay where they are (Toronto) and go on their lives w/ their friends and activities?" How likely is it that Herman actually, repress his mother, who's controlling and grips onto her son very tightly, what if deep down inside of herman, he actually wants to get away from all these years of control?" I squinted and thought, "no it can't be. he's sooo close to his parents". Barabara said, "Why is it that he ended up marrying a woman who's independent and who's unlikely to put up with mom and in fact, would fight against mom?" What if I tell you that he's actually subconsciously having his assertive wife to do this FOR him (and herman repressses the feeling of needing to get away from mom). I said, "well, it's possible but what if he made a mistake in the woman he chose? it's possible." Barbara: "Still - if Herman thinks it's so important to please mom, why would he be attracted to a person, who doesn't come across to be very "yieding""?...... . I started to make connections....so if this theory were true that actually there's a part of herman trying to get away from her tight grip, then it explains why he and his dad tries to "dump mom on me". This explains why, in the earlier days, herman asks me to go to the kitchen and help out, while he and dad watched TV. ALso explained why I am asked to go shopping with her and give suggestions at the dressing room; also explaines why at night, I am asked to hold mom's hands; also explains why lo yeah asks me to "go check on mom in her room"......... All of these were, for lack of a better term, dumping mom on Yvonne. Herman and dad had to be attentive to a demanding mom and wife for a very long time and finally Yvonne enters the pictue. She's that "woman"/daughter/sibling that they never had but so wanted and needed - to alleviate mom's demands..... now the "women" can go do what women do! Herman and dad now shift the responsibilities to me. That explains why they "look away" when mom babbles and I am the only person that looks mom in her eyes and was forced to listen on the babbles....

Suddenly it soooo make sense. I am not sure how well this will be received when i try to explain to herman. No. 1, it may NOT be entirely true (although if I can make all the connections, it can't be just a made up fantasy). No.2 if it were true, it's possible he's UNAWARE of it. and that it's only happening on a subconscious level!!! And even if we mull this over and do some serious thinking, it may take a big effort for him to admit to it and know and agree that he had been dumping on me and that he was trying to repress mom (this takes so much to admit, because, herman is a "guilt-loaded" person, when it comes to his family.

Barbara reassures that if we can get to this point, she can offer suggestions on how to help me talk to herman and find comfort within . But it's a brand new idea and I really have never thought of seeing it this way. I'd imagine then, herman would come back and say, "then so .... why can't you do that for us?".... i am not sure what I'd say back? Truly, if the damange hadn't been so deep, I'd be OK with taking on these duties...but the damage was simly tooo much and frankly, the issue is, I did not sign up to be the daughter. I signed up to be Herman's wife and have a familiy with him. These "other duties" weren't agreed upon.

I am waiting for an opportune moment to calmly discuss things. My life has been quite stressful with ehtna being ill and working from home..... i can't wait. but I praised God for a wonderful wonderful session

4/9/2005 BB has strange emotions and stranger anxiety attack

yesterday (Friday) we went to our 1 yeard check up w/ dr. Roskin. Ethan is now 31.5 inches and 27lb 9 oz ( i was shocked it wasn't 30lbs, honestly). Everything is trackign normal and Roskin isnt' concerned about the walking/crawling . he thinks that he'll do so in the next 4-8 weeks..we'll see. Actualy lately he's been scooting a step or two WHILE IN CRAWLING position. Then he backs up and sits back down. Roskin recommened a skin test at the alergist after i explaine the never going away ezcema.. he did say that srping time can be bad... i had started putting 0.5% hydrocortisone for a couple days and do see an improvement. Rosking say use 1%, 3 times a day!! i'd be happy to see slight improvement w/ the 0.5%... he said better to use it and keep him from scracthing. We will start to give him whole milk soon :) Hopefully he'll like it. Also need to start using a tooth bruth lah.

I made an appt w/ dr. Gail Shapiro - the doctor who saw Cole, and supposedly best in town. When i found out that she also sees adults, i made an appt for myself too. let's see what else, besides wheat. speaking of which, bb's alergies made me expore a lot of non wheat and gluten free cooking. We made some brown rice pasta w/ grond beef and speghetti sausce, and it tastes like normal pasta. also made corn bread...and will try many other thigns... thanks to whole foods. (Thank's to GOD for letting us be able to afford all this)

In the evening as ethan was having his banana, i asked for some - he won't give any, so I pretend to cry....suddenly he started crying too - it was sympahy cry!! It was sooo sweet. my little baby is definitely growing up and learning emotions

ethan can say "dung dung" and pointn at the light now. very cute. Also will say bye bye and wave (i think i have repaeted that 1/2 million times). We sing a lot of songs.... when i sing or play "If you are happy" then he knows to clap his hands. We sing "itsy bitsy spider", we also like "head and shoulder kneeds and toes. He loves if when we do "Rub your tummy"....


Today herman went to Charlie Dang to do taxes. we owed close to $4k. It would've been 5K before the fudging :( I guess w/ herman seeling so much ESPP last year it was like a 200K income. i made 1/2 o my salaray 'coz i was 4 months off! After that we went to IDX Bright horizon 'coz they have a 2 yr anniversary event. Not a lot of kids were there.. but we got to eat really good sandwiches. Main man saw sandy and went for her right away. After that , main man was quite tired and as we arrived jim and joanna's for bb group meeting he snoozed in the car. And I was snoozing also - for 1.5 hrs... we went in there and the meeting was already almost over. KK didn't go 'coz she's had HIGH fever (104) for a couple nigihts. poor thing, and they suspected UTI but then the tube could not get in :(

Tonight we wnet to coho for dinner.. across from us sits a big group of people. there was a guy w/ a goatie and a mustach. he was actually friendly and was waving to Ethan. Ethan waved back...it was fuine. Suddenly as he was eating his pasta and beef, he started crying!! BIG DROPS OF TEARS come down his face!! I was in panic, I thought he was choking!!! i thook him and flipped him on my lap and started to hit his neck..... everyone was watching. Finally he was ok and i held him in my arms to console him....after walking him around for a bit, we sat him down again.. there the crying starts again!! At this point we clued in - he did not choke, he cried because he saw that guy w/ the beard!! Ethan has never done this befoe!!! he's never been "Afraid" of anyone really!! but for sure this was it. he kept trying to turn around to watch him and then keep bursting into tears. Joyce and herman and I felt it was really silly but the poor guy was so sad!!! We'd imagine that the guy did a funny face to him or something!! And i mean this still didn't end after the group has left!!! he still looked and still started to cry.. FINALLY the waiter separated the 2 tables and reset that up and then he stopped crying...geeze. this is weird - defeinitely a new 1 year old thing. but sooo cute.

4/10/2005 4th session with barbar and discoveries

Barbara and I spent the last 2-3 sessions on my background. Thus far it has been me telling her storeis and not much revelation or advice. But the talking actualy helps me go thru a lot of things and within my own talking, I realized a bunch of stuff that never clicked before. For instance, with my description of my complicated family history, Herman's life is so simple in comparison. I went thru so much, including death of my dad, living w/ many relatives, having a step dad, having step brothers. I am sure all these affected me in ways that i didn't even realize.
T

This past Thursday, we started talking about herman's family and the relationship between him and his dad and his mom. We talked about my alienating my mom upon her return to HK. For the longest time I could not figure out why that is, esp. because she and I bonded so well during the first 2 months of ethan's arrival. I think i found the answer, at last. if 99 is the villain, then I wanted everyone to know and by her acting up and going out of control in front of everyone, was the perfect example of her being unreasonable. It was a perfect opportunity to display her evilness in front of everyone, inclding herman. But with my mom ALSO acting up and being involved in the fight, suddenly he picture isn't so clear, because my mom could be at fault and she could've triggered 99, the verdict , therefore, isn't as one sided as I hoped for - THAT, being said, was the very reason why I was upset at my mom.. This subsequently caused herman to say things to hurt me (that he'll "get my mom" next time). Suddenly he now has a brand new excuse why his mom "had all the good intention" but she was instigated, rather than wanting to cause trouble. In summary, my mom weakened my case of trying to convict 99. that sucks

We talked about how 99 is a naggin person and the wayherman and his father dealt with it is that they look away. let her ramble and leaving me the only person who had to look her in the eye to listen to repeat babbling. At this point, Barbara asked me, "How do you think herman feels when his mom nags and nags". I said , after thinking thru, "I assume he'd probably feel embarassed". Barbara: Why do you think he hasn't told her that. Me: Because he feels sorry for her, she's old and she's become this way and she didn't want to hurt her. Barbara: Why do you think herman hadn't ever shared this with you - commensurate with you and identify the same feelings you have" . ME: It's probably because if he and I honestly talks about it and if he admits that he feels the same way about his mom then he is afraid that i might ask him to talk to her about her excessive behavior. Since this means confrontation and means conflict therefore he'd rahter just "look away". Barbara: How would it make you feel if herman can start to share about his true feelings, and identify and bond with you about and have you be opened up. I bet that would mean the world to you. Because right now, with the 2 other men looking away, you are left to bear all this on your own. ME: YES, this made me realize something really important. Whennever they come, i feel like it's me against them. theoretically i should nto feel that way because this is my home but i feel that way strongly. This makes a lot of sense, it's because i am made to feel like i am the only person feeling that she's crazy and abnormal. Even if FIL and Herman both feel the same, they would not admit to it, and therefore I am on my own. Barbara: It's even worse that you can't open up to herman because he's on the edge of stress and you try to take everything upon yourself an you can't open up to him. Barbara continues: Start thinking about this but don't do anything at this point. What if we can get to a point where herman can share his true feelings w/ you, and you share your feelings w/ him, so you can start boinding, in a way that we are not asking mom to make changes. won't that be just great. Do you guys talk like this right now, do you share things? ME: yes but ethan, the dailiy grind leaves us with no time to talk....

our session ened here...it's very interesting. but we'll see what's next. I am not too optimistic about us changing. To begin with, we already tried that , during last Christmas. but in the end, he blew up so big that he's never blew up before...
i look forward to the next session

3/21/2005 - update about seeing new therapist

It's been a while since I entered anything. I felt like I should but there's just no time. Since I last posted, I went to see 2 therapist. The first guy, Michael Furst, was referred to me by Nancy Willis. He is actually a psychiatrist....his office was in Pioneer square that's why i was interested. With my intense schedule, it was not possible to go to anywhere else but near my work.

The outcome of our first, and only meeting wasn't tooo fruitful. He listened to all my concern and my hope to talk about how i cna be more "forgiving" and not let things get under my skin...after 2 hrs of talking, he "convinced" me to believe that it's not my problem, really. And that I have too much self guilt to try to change this. the issue can only be resolved with me and herman seeking middle ground. he suggested either couples therapy and also for me to do some "thinking" exercises,s o I can find out why i have such visceral reaction when I see 99. he said I will have some ah-ha's.... i was a bit disappointed but then realized something that didn't occur to me before, and that is, that I have a lot of guilt set in. I told this to herman and basically got a very negative reaction. I feel perhasp he was hoping that I can bare all the responsibilityes to change myself so this problem will go away and so he doesn't have to deal with it. As much as that's ALSO my goal, I felt that perhaps he could be more open minded and supportive of what the therapist had to say. Instead, herman said, "well then I have lost all confidence in counselling . I don't think it'd help even if we go together". That wasn't really what i had hope to hear....but...oh well. I have known that herman doesn't want problems. he wants everything to be happy. he wants to be able to debug something and be done and move on. unfortunately this is not gonna be easy as programming....

we left this alone for about 1.5 months. I decided to call our old therapist whom we've seen 5 yrs ago. I forgot her last name but I called EAP in bellevue anyway, and luckily i found her name. Barbary Ryan!! She's now in her private practice and after several rounds of conversation (she said she remembered us, believe it or not). we figured out how to deal with insuranc, etc. I went to see her last Thursday. It was great seeing her. (She looked like a ghost) but actually prettier than before. I was able to open up and I really liked her approach. I told her my experience w/ the other guy and she felt that he went to a conclusion pretty rushly. anyway, the "thinking exercise" will be conducted in our future sessions. We have decided to do self-exploration (if she talks to me then she can't talk to the both of us in couples therapy..we spent quite some time to figure and decide upon how to best use this great person)... in any case, we talked about the episode that had happened when ethan was born...the fight between mom and 99, and my reaction to 99 during christmas. Things that herman said , our fights. my realtionship w/ my mom (that also distant away). Their furniture and own towels, slippers clothes blankets pillows in my own home that act as an outpost and as she perceived, is the very reason why this is still getting under my skin day to day, even tho they are not here..... we talked about how herman has "grown" and has made a shift to the positive direction but there's still room to grow in the "loyaty" part. (herman frowned upon this part when I updated him)....

i will be back again on thursday to talk somemore. I am very very glad to have found her and I really hope this helps me heal

2/14/2005 Ethan's First Valentine's Day!! and he's clapping

YEAH YEAH:Ethan is CLAPPING on demand (well, except when he's cranky) he's doing a "ching ching" and "clapping" mix. VERY VERY CUTE :)

We were inspired by KK who knows a lot of commands - ching ching, bye bye, clap, "ding" (ET finger) and eat !!! She's very smart

today's V. Day ! I only got a card and some chocolate for Herman (bad). We got a Valentine card from Cole to Etahn and I just bough candies for the babies. :)

1/23/2005 A crash in life but will commit to feel better

I am sitting in the family room typing away on my laptop. Ethan is sleeping and Herman is in NYC on business. I had turned on my favorite music.. As it is jamming away, I realized that this is what I had dreamed of. A happy family, someone who loves me.A cozy room with jazz music. i have got it all....i have been thoroughly blessed each and everyday...

Yet this past few days I had a "crash" in life.. the kind of crash that God allows to mold me and to make me stronger...

Friday I was dragged in Susan's office. Someone entered a question on the anonymous Support Website to ask if it's ok to work 4x10 and 1 day from home. Susan responded that the policy is to do either but no both. The person replied further to say that but one of the analysts does that.. susan goes around each team and found out it was me. She was in the nicest tone and completely understood that this was innocent. As Dave approved this and made me put it on paper... but a policy is a policy is a policy and she has asked me to choose to either do 4x10 or WAH one day a week. Susan was nice to me - she could've been nasty but she wasn't.. but as I drove home I started tearing a bit... I felt extremely overwhemed. First, 2 weeks ago we had unprotected sex. At the time i thought my period was about to come. I am still waiting... i was so scared that I stopped by Walgreens and got a pack of EPT test. (i tested negative, but it still doesn't explain why my period is THIS late... In my head I was overhwmeled with the enormous cost to let ethan go to 5 days a week at BH (1600) plus parking is $270. and then I have to send money home. the 700+ that i put in herman and I's joing acct will barely cover just the day care expenses... Then I felt for sure I am pregnant. Then I realized that I have lost that battle with work, with whomever was trying to point me out (We think it's Pete, even susan admitted that he's under-handed...) but this battle I have no way to win... I suddenly realized that if I am pregnant then in 9 months i have to face the 99/mom ordeal all over again...when this hurt isn't event healed.. On top of al lthis I am still nursing ethan and I want to be able to enjoy him solely for a little longer. What would happen when I have two, how do I afford putting two to Bright Horizon? I barely make enuf to cover for 1 , with the allocation of stock/401K/savings for mom, right now..... I broke down. I cried even in front of herman. I was plainly stress. For the longest time I could not come before the Lord to say a prayer i meant. I felt that my life is full of sin because I haven't made the committment to "forgive and forget". I felt that if I still have this attitude then I do not deserve coming to God. Meanwhile, the damage this has done between herman and I are so deep. I felt hopeless to a point I want to just call it quits. my job, my marriage... but I vow to never quit my job because I need the financial stability. And because I need the financial stabilisy, i dare not stop contributing to 401K, savigns and ESPP.... i was in panic mode.

I managed to hang on and to not ruin Saturday- the day before herman leaves for business. it was a lousy day.... downpour and warm. it was just nasty.

Sunday morning Herman left and I took Ethan to church my self. I realized that I haven't had the time to do devotion. but how can I be devoting when I am not even abel to come before the Lord to pray?

this evening Bosco and Gloria came to dinner... the most considerate people because they brought dinner over to cook for us.... I told bosco my feeling and my situation of not being able to come to the Lord. he said my guilt is what's driving this. My guilt is blocking me because I have a preconcevied notion that I must pray the things that God wants to hear. What I should pray, is just the naked truth of how i feel - and that is, that I am not able to accept and forget and forgive right now. Pray about this and stop at just that. God is all-knowing and he already knew how I feel...the thing that I am doing wrong THE MOST is I am trying to take control of what i feel i should change (e.g. change the relationship between me and 99). by feeling guilty (of being a unforgiving Christian) implies that I am taking matters in my own hands - WRONG. i need to unload to God. I need to let Him be in charge. I need not think of a solution - not with this. I just need to admit that I am not able to... then slowly i will get strengthed by him. and slowly i will feel that it doesn't bother me as much. God may change me, God may change them. I don't know and I should let God do His work.

I felt better. I prayed my prayer and that's all I said.. I am not ready to forgive. I told the truth. the truth is that I do not want to ever have to deal w/ 99 or my mom, ever again. My wish would be to have just herman and Ethan and that's the end of that. i stopped at this. I prayed that God will just inject my heart and do a creative act - turn water to wine, even thou the element isn't in me at all.

I will go to rest tonight, knowing that I will just be true to myself and I will speak my mind, even if it's to condemn God for what He's done.... i already feel better......

1/10/2005 Men are just as hard to understand as women

Today I received a dozen of roses delivered to me at worked. they were from Herman. When I said, "Men are just as hard to understand as women" it's because on Saturday after we've dropped off his parents to the airport, we had a HUGE ASS BITTER fight. The fight sort of came as a shock because just 2 days prior to that, Herman said to me, "hang in there hon, I know it's difficult". I was not sure what triggered that fight. I was so close to canceling our BB group meeting because I felt that we could not be leaders with these huge problems in front of us....

In the car was when Herman started asking how old my mom is... he said, do you know how old my mom is? 70, he said, how old is your mom? I said, probably close to 60........this then went on to a flow blown lash out on his part. He said that I activated the ulcer that his mom had, during this visit. Did I know she was throwing up so bad and it was all because I 'gik" her. Herman said, "How many times did my mom wrong you? twice? 3 times? 4 times? For the record, you guys are EVEN". In fact, When I see your mom next time, whether it's in HK or here, if I don't make sure she goes to the hospital, I haven't done my job. I thought of this 4 times in the last month. I will do my job to make sure she goes to the hospital!......." Caught by the biggest surprise, I couldn't even get a word in yet, he continued to say" How much money do you send home each month". I said, "so this is about money?" He interrupted and said, "How much! I want to know how much, right now, answer me! I want to make sure it's square and fair. Did you know my mom never cared about money and they gave us $60K to help out? Did you know your mom lied about money in front of my parents?" He brought up the incident during my maternity leave when his parents said "We are eating so much that we are making Herman poor". This was brought up during the fight between mom and 99, Herman denied hearing this but later on told me in private that he might have overheard that but even if his parents did say that, they meant it in a joking way. I corrected him right away by saying that there was no lying on my mom's part - misunderstanding maybe, but no lies. He siad that it was hypocritical that my dad said Ethan was cute. 'coz he cared at all then he would've come to see him. I stopped him right there and said that he better not start to accuse before he knew the whole story Herman was just fuming and the "sending my mom to the hospital" just made me sooo pissed. we were not calm and not nice to each other. He said he would not show up for the bb group meeting and I was very close to calling everyone to call it off.

I am not sure what I did to cause it. One thing for sure, if I were to make a guess, is that Herman’s mom probably said something to him the last night before they left. Herman got stressed and had to take it out on me. This wasn't new, he's snapped on me many times due to stress from his mom. There were many various incidents before and this time.... I just didn't expect that it would happen AFTER they left. After we "faked" being OK during the meeting, we did not talk the entire night. He has calmed way down by the evening, offering me oranges and asking questions about Ethan. but I was quite pissed and wasn't ready to talk.

On Sunday we did not go to church. I feel like a big sinner and I can't come in front of the Lord. I initiated the talk with him... I said,"HOn I can understand that you are very sad with your mom's ulcer being activated during her vacation, but this can't be solely blamed on me. This is her past condition and despite the fact that it was stressful during the past month but bear in mind that it was also stressful for me. You made it sound like that I was upstairs plotting this against her and that I was celebrating when her ulcer activated! Just 2 days ago when we were in the car, you consoled and comforted me to tell me hang in there. What suddenly made you forget that this was just as hard for me as it is for everyone? " Herman understood that he had way over-reacted and said that he was fuming and apologizes for what he said. I said, Hon, words can hurt people so much deeper than a punch in the face can. Words spoke would be like water spilled, you can't collect it back. He was upset because in the last night, I was "black face and black mouth" and I was "blunt" with them the whole time. And yes, I was... I have nothing to defend. but I reiterated that my actions wasn't uncalled for and it wasn't without reasons. Even he said his mom understood why I was the way I was. I honestly admitted that before they were here (and also, now that they are gone) I was not able to foresee my how much a swing my emotions would be. I thought (and think now) that problems will be resolved and I will "try my best" but it simply wasn't straight forward like that. I tried to pray and read articles and it was already helping but I haven't improved enough to get to a point where I can be cheerful in front of them. I chose to hide upstairs because that avoided many more rough situations had I been downstairs. I basically explained to Herman that it's so hard, because, when I do see his mom, I can’t help but to hate her. I admit that this is something I will need to work w/ the counselor on. I can't control my negative emotion towards her and it just takes over every good intention I previously had. Then we talked about money. I said that from now on we will split everything up evenly. Since he makes twice the money I do, I will be responsible for 1/3 the cost of the mortgage, 1/3 Ethan’s day care etc. He said STOP IT. I said, I don't want to hear anything about me owing anyone any money. Money is the sorest of all sore subjects and since I have a job and I contribute to the family, it's now time to get even. He said that he doest not care about money and he only brought that up because he felt that his family was shafted - well I interrupted him and said then from now on let's be fair and square. he sends however much money home as he pleases and I will manage my side of the money! I have no choice but to support my family because in earlier years they were cheated by business associates and so all the savings were gone and for his information, my dad didn't choose to not come see Ethan, he was denied a visa at the embassy because he was bankrupt and he could not get out of the country! I have a job and I will support my family or else they will be on the street begging. I said from now on let's just be fair. He tried and tried to undo what he said and also to let me know that if his mom was treated with respect then he wouldn't even have brought up everything about money. Unless if we go separate ways then we are not separating our money. I am pretty calm by now and I said, you know, so maybe it would have to come to this point.... Later, Herman said, 'no I do not want to go separate ways. I don't want Ethan to grow up without a dad. I love you both..... He said he's sick of playing Mr. Nice guy 'coz he felt that despite all that, he's been nice to my mom and he just wanted to get even. I said, do you know why it's hard for you to be a jerk to my mom? "coz she hadn't made you feel like you are this evil person!!! I have been having to deal with "stealing your mom's son" ever since we first met, > 6 years ago. Sure, we got better in the subsequent years but by making myself vulnerable, I was hurt over and over again. He asked if I was mad at his mom only because of the mom/99 incident last time? (did she do anything wrong to me personally). I said, yes. There was one time Ethan was ill with a cold (his first cold) I did not bring him down and later on his dad came to tell me to go talk to her... Apparently I have caused trouble. I had a discussion w/ his mom and dad (and I do not believe Herman was aware of this) and she said, "sorry for misunderstanding you,from now on I will just tell you and make myself be clear *(i.e. instead of getting mad at you secretly). So, even that , I caused trouble. this hasn't changed for the better. And the 99/mom incident just put us sooo many steps back, I am basically very protective of me being hurt again. I said, do you know why you don't quite have the same intensity towards my mom? It's because 99 has always made me feel like this intruder of the closely bonded family of 3. I stole away the "best son" who was praised by all these aunties and uncles. I took everything away!! My mom never thought that highly of me and in fact she thanked Herman for taking care of me. This is why he was never made to feel like shit, like I was.

things got better over Sunday afternoon and we went to home depot, and later had dinner at Jaks'... But my eyes were so swollen from crying and I was coming down w/ a sore throat.... It's too bad that it had to end this way, and I don't know when we'd see them again but hopefully we have learned and can move on. I is still my intention to seek help with a counselor..... I need to resolve my internal anger. The saddest thing is, right now, with them not being there, I feel optimistic about the situation. When they are actually here in the house, I cannot control my anger AT ALL. Every word she speaks, every move, makes me sooo pissed.....

In addition to that, he felt that 1 month is not long at all, for a visit. I said we just have to agree to disagree. I also told him that if he chooses to hate my mom, I will respect his feelings. Because he has respected my feelings very very well this time and gave me the space for it, I will extend the same to him.


So, today when I got these flowers, I wasn’t sure how to react?! what have I done? Is he saying sorry for the fight? or is he trying to be nice so I can be nice back? what is that all about?

12/27/2004 need to outline our problem so my memory can be refreshed when I see the counselor

Yes I have come to this point again where herman and I are in crisis.. we started off ok this time, because herman was very loving and protective. He did not go over the edge (due to pressure from his parents) like he did last time, and he promised he would not do so. I felt much more supportive this time around.

into the 2nd week of the ILs stay, herman started his vacatin. I have been very very negative and bitter. based on what had happened between my 99 and my mom when ethan was born. I simply could not control myself and had to be in a rut. I had no way ot getting out. every word i hear from my 99, everthing she says to ethan, it bothers me to the extreme end. I have prayed and tried to come out of it, i simply wasn't able to. What was still holding me up, was that herman was at least very understanding. I teared in front of herman telling him how tought it is to be under the same roof w/ his parents. I realized I need to see a counselor, to get me out of being so negative and hlepless

We finally snapped, on 12/25. Herman started getting short with me and he was critical (unimportant as to what even started it, however small it was). but he was about to lash out on me. And I was about to fight back. It was Christmas day and we were THIS CLOSE to calling Pastor Shiu/Pastor Dennis. Herman was forcing me to talk about ths issue when I was not ready and I only wanted some space by myself. This seemed strange 'coz it is the 1st groud rules between us - never force an argument unless if we are both ready. It is very strange that he broke it, but he did. I said I don't want to go see Pastor shiu , and herman said let's call him to our house. we ended up not doing it..... and in retropspect it would have been quite embarassing, ESP. taking into consideration that on the next day we have to dedicate Ethan in front of our congregation. We, as parents, are supposedly living a good Christian exmaples to him.

On 12/26, I opened up to IL a bit more. I have made room in my hert for Jesus to come in to work on me. It helped and we opened gifts and so forth. I wasn't ready to get lobby dobby yet... but they were. Because herman's dad came to me in private to say that when we go to the mall later, please give an opinion to 99 about what looks good on her. The whole memory of "Herman asking me to plase his mom" came back. But I took it in stride....lo yeah didn't know because he never heard the reasoning from Pastors. Funniest thing, Herman ALSO asked me that , while we were at the mall. I didn't find that as easy to forgive because it was my understanding that it'd be clear to hermna never to MAKE me do things to please her. I thought it was clear, but apparently it was a "gray" area to herman (as we talked calmly later), He said that it was only a question and he asked me in private, instead of putting me on the spot right there.. i guess i disagree but later we had an opportunity to talk calmly.

I stated that his parents are guests but somehow it's making me very uncomforatble and "Secondary" in my OWN home. right now, with them being here, it's as if they are making themselves "too comfortable" like it's their own home. they don't look like guests. I failed to provide tangible examples clear enough for herman to understnad my feelings. But things like, 99 having their own bed, own apron, own shoes, own towels in our home. Also lo yeah watching TV all day long. DON'T GET ME WRONG. i am a great host and I would want everyone to feel as if they are in their own home. It's just that my identity changed, everytime they are around. I feel like I am now in toronton, in THEIR home, and that them 3 have reverted back their way of living for 30 year,s and I am just a 4th person. BUt I should not feel that way, this is MY HOME. Herman did not see my point becasue he felt that his parents would've been OK if i say, "Let's change the channel" or "let's eat this instead of that"....no, that's not my point...again i could not come up w/ an example. I finally compared him to Kasin. I said that I felt I was always being treated special, even if kasin and I would visit his mom in Vancouver. I was always consdiered" FIrst, " and I felt valued. Even if we ended up doing things together, it was "my choice". right now I felt like my life details are planned and I am just informed. I then realized that it was the way that herman was brought up. it was a cultural thing. Kasin had been taught to be "say sum" (small heart, attentive to girlfriends) but Herman wasn't. In Herman's family, what's deemed as important is "pleasing mom". therefore both dad and herman please mom and make sure the engine runs fine. I have been dragged into this equation and I am not fond of it. Heramn countered to say, well if mom is no.1 then i would not have been leaving toronton to come to seattle. I said, but don't forget that you mom always said, that it was because she "approved" that's why you are in SEattle......

At this point, I realized , there's no changing of this behavior, because herman had been this way for years and it's of no use for me to tell him that. perhaps i can pray for a miracle to happen??????????

In any case, I wish to discuss with herman a compromise. After they leave, I wish to discuss w/ herman that 1 month is too long to endure. I will try to negotiate for 2 weeks each. 2 weeks in the winter, 2 weeks in the summer.

I have also emailed Wendy Lee - recommended by Pastor shiu, a counsellor. I really need to seek advice.....