4/21/2005 a great, radical discovery session with Barbara
As I walked to KFC getting dinner after Barbara's appt today. I reminded myself to unclench and take a deep breath. I was in deep thoughts, I condiered what we had today, a radical break through. My next step is to unveal this to herman and see if he would agree.
We skipped one week of session. 2 weeks ago we made some important discoveries. Part of the reason that my relationship with my mom changed, as as result of the soup incident, was because i felt that mom "failed one for me". I "had hope" to catch 99 rat-handed (sp?) and point to everyone that she's the trouble maker. Why? Because, with the strong evidence, heramn and lo yeah will see it once again in their own eyes, that 99 is unreasonable and controlling and that it's not only ME who thinks that. (So far I am the only person who will outright think that she's abnormal...herman may think that, but he hasn't admit to it, he has only asked me to do different thigns to yield to her) I want the acknowledgement from Herman that his mom is abnormal, and therefore I deserve the space he cut for me, and the support that he needs to have for me. But my mom failed this one. now, herman has some ammunition to come back and say, "Sure, my mom is unresonable, sometimes; but your mom instigated it and look, she's not all that rational either". Now I have lost that one-sided confirmation that everything would've been fine if it had not been 99's craziness.
Today's radical discovery : It even took me a while to digest it.... Barbara and I talked about something that I've never considered... What if 99 moves across the street from us. What would herman's reaction be... I answered without having to ponder too much, "he'd be very happy". So far it's just me resisting that idea, in fact they have already had "plans in their heads to move closer".... Barbara said,"How likely would it be, that Herman actually prefers them to stay where they are (Toronto) and go on their lives w/ their friends and activities?" How likely is it that Herman actually, repress his mother, who's controlling and grips onto her son very tightly, what if deep down inside of herman, he actually wants to get away from all these years of control?" I squinted and thought, "no it can't be. he's sooo close to his parents". Barabara said, "Why is it that he ended up marrying a woman who's independent and who's unlikely to put up with mom and in fact, would fight against mom?" What if I tell you that he's actually subconsciously having his assertive wife to do this FOR him (and herman repressses the feeling of needing to get away from mom). I said, "well, it's possible but what if he made a mistake in the woman he chose? it's possible." Barbara: "Still - if Herman thinks it's so important to please mom, why would he be attracted to a person, who doesn't come across to be very "yieding""?....... I started to make connections....so if this theory were true that actually there's a part of herman trying to get away from her tight grip, then it explains why he and his dad tries to "dump mom on me". This explains why, in the earlier days, herman asks me to go to the kitchen and help out, while he and dad watched TV. ALso explained why I am asked to go shopping with her and give suggestions at the dressing room; also explaines why at night, I am asked to hold mom's hands; also explains why lo yeah asks me to "go check on mom in her room"......... All of these were, for lack of a better term, dumping mom on Yvonne. Herman and dad had to be attentive to a demanding mom and wife for a very long time and finally Yvonne enters the pictue. She's that "woman"/daughter/sibling that they never had but so wanted and needed - to alleviate mom's demands..... now the "women" can go do what women do! Herman and dad now shift the responsibilities to me. That explains why they "look away" when mom babbles and I am the only person that looks mom in her eyes and was forced to listen on the babbles....
Suddenly it soooo make sense. I am not sure how well this will be received when i try to explain to herman. No. 1, it may NOT be entirely true (although if I can make all the connections, it can't be just a made up fantasy). No.2 if it were true, it's possible he's UNAWARE of it. and that it's only happening on a subconscious level!!! And even if we mull this over and do some serious thinking, it may take a big effort for him to admit to it and know and agree that he had been dumping on me and that he was trying to repress mom (this takes so much to admit, because, herman is a "guilt-loaded" person, when it comes to his family.
Barbara reassures that if we can get to this point, she can offer suggestions on how to help me talk to herman and find comfort within . But it's a brand new idea and I really have never thought of seeing it this way. I'd imagine then, herman would come back and say, "then so .... why can't you do that for us?".... i am not sure what I'd say back? Truly, if the damange hadn't been so deep, I'd be OK with taking on these duties...but the damage was simly tooo much and frankly, the issue is, I did not sign up to be the daughter. I signed up to be Herman's wife and have a familiy with him. These "other duties" weren't agreed upon.
I am waiting for an opportune moment to calmly discuss things. My life has been quite stressful with ehtna being ill and working from home..... i can't wait. but I praised God for a wonderful wonderful session
We skipped one week of session. 2 weeks ago we made some important discoveries. Part of the reason that my relationship with my mom changed, as as result of the soup incident, was because i felt that mom "failed one for me". I "had hope" to catch 99 rat-handed (sp?) and point to everyone that she's the trouble maker. Why? Because, with the strong evidence, heramn and lo yeah will see it once again in their own eyes, that 99 is unreasonable and controlling and that it's not only ME who thinks that. (So far I am the only person who will outright think that she's abnormal...herman may think that, but he hasn't admit to it, he has only asked me to do different thigns to yield to her) I want the acknowledgement from Herman that his mom is abnormal, and therefore I deserve the space he cut for me, and the support that he needs to have for me. But my mom failed this one. now, herman has some ammunition to come back and say, "Sure, my mom is unresonable, sometimes; but your mom instigated it and look, she's not all that rational either". Now I have lost that one-sided confirmation that everything would've been fine if it had not been 99's craziness.
Today's radical discovery : It even took me a while to digest it.... Barbara and I talked about something that I've never considered... What if 99 moves across the street from us. What would herman's reaction be... I answered without having to ponder too much, "he'd be very happy". So far it's just me resisting that idea, in fact they have already had "plans in their heads to move closer".... Barbara said,"How likely would it be, that Herman actually prefers them to stay where they are (Toronto) and go on their lives w/ their friends and activities?" How likely is it that Herman actually, repress his mother, who's controlling and grips onto her son very tightly, what if deep down inside of herman, he actually wants to get away from all these years of control?" I squinted and thought, "no it can't be. he's sooo close to his parents". Barabara said, "Why is it that he ended up marrying a woman who's independent and who's unlikely to put up with mom and in fact, would fight against mom?" What if I tell you that he's actually subconsciously having his assertive wife to do this FOR him (and herman repressses the feeling of needing to get away from mom). I said, "well, it's possible but what if he made a mistake in the woman he chose? it's possible." Barbara: "Still - if Herman thinks it's so important to please mom, why would he be attracted to a person, who doesn't come across to be very "yieding""?......
Suddenly it soooo make sense. I am not sure how well this will be received when i try to explain to herman. No. 1, it may NOT be entirely true (although if I can make all the connections, it can't be just a made up fantasy). No.2 if it were true, it's possible he's UNAWARE of it. and that it's only happening on a subconscious level!!! And even if we mull this over and do some serious thinking, it may take a big effort for him to admit to it and know and agree that he had been dumping on me and that he was trying to repress mom (this takes so much to admit, because, herman is a "guilt-loaded" person, when it comes to his family.
Barbara reassures that if we can get to this point, she can offer suggestions on how to help me talk to herman and find comfort within . But it's a brand new idea and I really have never thought of seeing it this way. I'd imagine then, herman would come back and say, "then so .... why can't you do that for us?".... i am not sure what I'd say back? Truly, if the damange hadn't been so deep, I'd be OK with taking on these duties...but the damage was simly tooo much and frankly, the issue is, I did not sign up to be the daughter. I signed up to be Herman's wife and have a familiy with him. These "other duties" weren't agreed upon.
I am waiting for an opportune moment to calmly discuss things. My life has been quite stressful with ehtna being ill and working from home..... i can't wait. but I praised God for a wonderful wonderful session
posted by superfcbear at 1:01 PM
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