1/23/2005 A crash in life but will commit to feel better
I am sitting in the family room typing away on my laptop. Ethan is sleeping and Herman is in NYC on business. I had turned on my favorite music.. As it is jamming away, I realized that this is what I had dreamed of. A happy family, someone who loves me.A cozy room with jazz music. i have got it all....i have been thoroughly blessed each and everyday...
Yet this past few days I had a "crash" in life.. the kind of crash that God allows to mold me and to make me stronger...
Friday I was dragged in Susan's office. Someone entered a question on the anonymous Support Website to ask if it's ok to work 4x10 and 1 day from home. Susan responded that the policy is to do either but no both. The person replied further to say that but one of the analysts does that.. susan goes around each team and found out it was me. She was in the nicest tone and completely understood that this was innocent. As Dave approved this and made me put it on paper... but a policy is a policy is a policy and she has asked me to choose to either do 4x10 or WAH one day a week. Susan was nice to me - she could've been nasty but she wasn't.. but as I drove home I started tearing a bit... I felt extremely overwhemed. First, 2 weeks ago we had unprotected sex. At the time i thought my period was about to come. I am still waiting... i was so scared that I stopped by Walgreens and got a pack of EPT test. (i tested negative, but it still doesn't explain why my period is THIS late... In my head I was overhwmeled with the enormous cost to let ethan go to 5 days a week at BH (1600) plus parking is $270. and then I have to send money home. the 700+ that i put in herman and I's joing acct will barely cover just the day care expenses... Then I felt for sure I am pregnant. Then I realized that I have lost that battle with work, with whomever was trying to point me out (We think it's Pete, even susan admitted that he's under-handed...) but this battle I have no way to win... I suddenly realized that if I am pregnant then in 9 months i have to face the 99/mom ordeal all over again...when this hurt isn't event healed.. On top of al lthis I am still nursing ethan and I want to be able to enjoy him solely for a little longer. What would happen when I have two, how do I afford putting two to Bright Horizon? I barely make enuf to cover for 1 , with the allocation of stock/401K/savings for mom, right now..... I broke down. I cried even in front of herman. I was plainly stress. For the longest time I could not come before the Lord to say a prayer i meant. I felt that my life is full of sin because I haven't made the committment to "forgive and forget". I felt that if I still have this attitude then I do not deserve coming to God. Meanwhile, the damage this has done between herman and I are so deep. I felt hopeless to a point I want to just call it quits. my job, my marriage... but I vow to never quit my job because I need the financial stability. And because I need the financial stabilisy, i dare not stop contributing to 401K, savigns and ESPP.... i was in panic mode.
I managed to hang on and to not ruin Saturday- the day before herman leaves for business. it was a lousy day.... downpour and warm. it was just nasty.
Sunday morning Herman left and I took Ethan to church my self. I realized that I haven't had the time to do devotion. but how can I be devoting when I am not even abel to come before the Lord to pray?
this evening Bosco and Gloria came to dinner... the most considerate people because they brought dinner over to cook for us.... I told bosco my feeling and my situation of not being able to come to the Lord. he said my guilt is what's driving this. My guilt is blocking me because I have a preconcevied notion that I must pray the things that God wants to hear. What I should pray, is just the naked truth of how i feel - and that is, that I am not able to accept and forget and forgive right now. Pray about this and stop at just that. God is all-knowing and he already knew how I feel...the thing that I am doing wrong THE MOST is I am trying to take control of what i feel i should change (e.g. change the relationship between me and 99). by feeling guilty (of being a unforgiving Christian) implies that I am taking matters in my own hands - WRONG. i need to unload to God. I need to let Him be in charge. I need not think of a solution - not with this. I just need to admit that I am not able to... then slowly i will get strengthed by him. and slowly i will feel that it doesn't bother me as much. God may change me, God may change them. I don't know and I should let God do His work.
I felt better. I prayed my prayer and that's all I said.. I am not ready to forgive. I told the truth. the truth is that I do not want to ever have to deal w/ 99 or my mom, ever again. My wish would be to have just herman and Ethan and that's the end of that. i stopped at this. I prayed that God will just inject my heart and do a creative act - turn water to wine, even thou the element isn't in me at all.
I will go to rest tonight, knowing that I will just be true to myself and I will speak my mind, even if it's to condemn God for what He's done.... i already feel better......
Yet this past few days I had a "crash" in life.. the kind of crash that God allows to mold me and to make me stronger...
Friday I was dragged in Susan's office. Someone entered a question on the anonymous Support Website to ask if it's ok to work 4x10 and 1 day from home. Susan responded that the policy is to do either but no both. The person replied further to say that but one of the analysts does that.. susan goes around each team and found out it was me. She was in the nicest tone and completely understood that this was innocent. As Dave approved this and made me put it on paper... but a policy is a policy is a policy and she has asked me to choose to either do 4x10 or WAH one day a week. Susan was nice to me - she could've been nasty but she wasn't.. but as I drove home I started tearing a bit... I felt extremely overwhemed. First, 2 weeks ago we had unprotected sex. At the time i thought my period was about to come. I am still waiting... i was so scared that I stopped by Walgreens and got a pack of EPT test. (i tested negative, but it still doesn't explain why my period is THIS late... In my head I was overhwmeled with the enormous cost to let ethan go to 5 days a week at BH (1600) plus parking is $270. and then I have to send money home. the 700+ that i put in herman and I's joing acct will barely cover just the day care expenses... Then I felt for sure I am pregnant. Then I realized that I have lost that battle with work, with whomever was trying to point me out (We think it's Pete, even susan admitted that he's under-handed...) but this battle I have no way to win... I suddenly realized that if I am pregnant then in 9 months i have to face the 99/mom ordeal all over again...when this hurt isn't event healed.. On top of al lthis I am still nursing ethan and I want to be able to enjoy him solely for a little longer. What would happen when I have two, how do I afford putting two to Bright Horizon? I barely make enuf to cover for 1 , with the allocation of stock/401K/savings for mom, right now..... I broke down. I cried even in front of herman. I was plainly stress. For the longest time I could not come before the Lord to say a prayer i meant. I felt that my life is full of sin because I haven't made the committment to "forgive and forget". I felt that if I still have this attitude then I do not deserve coming to God. Meanwhile, the damage this has done between herman and I are so deep. I felt hopeless to a point I want to just call it quits. my job, my marriage... but I vow to never quit my job because I need the financial stability. And because I need the financial stabilisy, i dare not stop contributing to 401K, savigns and ESPP.... i was in panic mode.
I managed to hang on and to not ruin Saturday- the day before herman leaves for business. it was a lousy day.... downpour and warm. it was just nasty.
Sunday morning Herman left and I took Ethan to church my self. I realized that I haven't had the time to do devotion. but how can I be devoting when I am not even abel to come before the Lord to pray?
this evening Bosco and Gloria came to dinner... the most considerate people because they brought dinner over to cook for us.... I told bosco my feeling and my situation of not being able to come to the Lord. he said my guilt is what's driving this. My guilt is blocking me because I have a preconcevied notion that I must pray the things that God wants to hear. What I should pray, is just the naked truth of how i feel - and that is, that I am not able to accept and forget and forgive right now. Pray about this and stop at just that. God is all-knowing and he already knew how I feel...the thing that I am doing wrong THE MOST is I am trying to take control of what i feel i should change (e.g. change the relationship between me and 99). by feeling guilty (of being a unforgiving Christian) implies that I am taking matters in my own hands - WRONG. i need to unload to God. I need to let Him be in charge. I need not think of a solution - not with this. I just need to admit that I am not able to... then slowly i will get strengthed by him. and slowly i will feel that it doesn't bother me as much. God may change me, God may change them. I don't know and I should let God do His work.
I felt better. I prayed my prayer and that's all I said.. I am not ready to forgive. I told the truth. the truth is that I do not want to ever have to deal w/ 99 or my mom, ever again. My wish would be to have just herman and Ethan and that's the end of that. i stopped at this. I prayed that God will just inject my heart and do a creative act - turn water to wine, even thou the element isn't in me at all.
I will go to rest tonight, knowing that I will just be true to myself and I will speak my mind, even if it's to condemn God for what He's done.... i already feel better......
posted by superfcbear at 10:27 PM
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