12/27/2004 need to outline our problem so my memory can be refreshed when I see the counselor
Yes I have come to this point again where herman and I are in crisis.. we started off ok this time, because herman was very loving and protective. He did not go over the edge (due to pressure from his parents) like he did last time, and he promised he would not do so. I felt much more supportive this time around.
into the 2nd week of the ILs stay, herman started his vacatin. I have been very very negative and bitter. based on what had happened between my 99 and my mom when ethan was born. I simply could not control myself and had to be in a rut. I had no way ot getting out. every word i hear from my 99, everthing she says to ethan, it bothers me to the extreme end. I have prayed and tried to come out of it, i simply wasn't able to. What was still holding me up, was that herman was at least very understanding. I teared in front of herman telling him how tought it is to be under the same roof w/ his parents. I realized I need to see a counselor, to get me out of being so negative and hlepless
We finally snapped, on 12/25. Herman started getting short with me and he was critical (unimportant as to what even started it, however small it was). but he was about to lash out on me. And I was about to fight back. It was Christmas day and we were THIS CLOSE to calling Pastor Shiu/Pastor Dennis. Herman was forcing me to talk about ths issue when I was not ready and I only wanted some space by myself. This seemed strange 'coz it is the 1st groud rules between us - never force an argument unless if we are both ready. It is very strange that he broke it, but he did. I said I don't want to go see Pastor shiu , and herman said let's call him to our house. we ended up not doing it..... and in retropspect it would have been quite embarassing, ESP. taking into consideration that on the next day we have to dedicate Ethan in front of our congregation. We, as parents, are supposedly living a good Christian exmaples to him.
On 12/26, I opened up to IL a bit more. I have made room in my hert for Jesus to come in to work on me. It helped and we opened gifts and so forth. I wasn't ready to get lobby dobby yet... but they were. Because herman's dad came to me in private to say that when we go to the mall later, please give an opinion to 99 about what looks good on her. The whole memory of "Herman asking me to plase his mom" came back. But I took it in stride....lo yeah didn't know because he never heard the reasoning from Pastors. Funniest thing, Herman ALSO asked me that , while we were at the mall. I didn't find that as easy to forgive because it was my understanding that it'd be clear to hermna never to MAKE me do things to please her. I thought it was clear, but apparently it was a "gray" area to herman (as we talked calmly later), He said that it was only a question and he asked me in private, instead of putting me on the spot right there.. i guess i disagree but later we had an opportunity to talk calmly.
I stated that his parents are guests but somehow it's making me very uncomforatble and "Secondary" in my OWN home. right now, with them being here, it's as if they are making themselves "too comfortable" like it's their own home. they don't look like guests. I failed to provide tangible examples clear enough for herman to understnad my feelings. But things like, 99 having their own bed, own apron, own shoes, own towels in our home. Also lo yeah watching TV all day long. DON'T GET ME WRONG. i am a great host and I would want everyone to feel as if they are in their own home. It's just that my identity changed, everytime they are around. I feel like I am now in toronton, in THEIR home, and that them 3 have reverted back their way of living for 30 year,s and I am just a 4th person. BUt I should not feel that way, this is MY HOME. Herman did not see my point becasue he felt that his parents would've been OK if i say, "Let's change the channel" or "let's eat this instead of that"....no, that's not my point...again i could not come up w/ an example. I finally compared him to Kasin. I said that I felt I was always being treated special, even if kasin and I would visit his mom in Vancouver. I was always consdiered" FIrst, " and I felt valued. Even if we ended up doing things together, it was "my choice". right now I felt like my life details are planned and I am just informed. I then realized that it was the way that herman was brought up. it was a cultural thing. Kasin had been taught to be "say sum" (small heart, attentive to girlfriends) but Herman wasn't. In Herman's family, what's deemed as important is "pleasing mom". therefore both dad and herman please mom and make sure the engine runs fine. I have been dragged into this equation and I am not fond of it. Heramn countered to say, well if mom is no.1 then i would not have been leaving toronton to come to seattle. I said, but don't forget that you mom always said, that it was because she "approved" that's why you are in SEattle......
At this point, I realized , there's no changing of this behavior, because herman had been this way for years and it's of no use for me to tell him that. perhaps i can pray for a miracle to happen??????????
In any case, I wish to discuss with herman a compromise. After they leave, I wish to discuss w/ herman that 1 month is too long to endure. I will try to negotiate for 2 weeks each. 2 weeks in the winter, 2 weeks in the summer.
I have also emailed Wendy Lee - recommended by Pastor shiu, a counsellor. I really need to seek advice.....
into the 2nd week of the ILs stay, herman started his vacatin. I have been very very negative and bitter. based on what had happened between my 99 and my mom when ethan was born. I simply could not control myself and had to be in a rut. I had no way ot getting out. every word i hear from my 99, everthing she says to ethan, it bothers me to the extreme end. I have prayed and tried to come out of it, i simply wasn't able to. What was still holding me up, was that herman was at least very understanding. I teared in front of herman telling him how tought it is to be under the same roof w/ his parents. I realized I need to see a counselor, to get me out of being so negative and hlepless
We finally snapped, on 12/25. Herman started getting short with me and he was critical (unimportant as to what even started it, however small it was). but he was about to lash out on me. And I was about to fight back. It was Christmas day and we were THIS CLOSE to calling Pastor Shiu/Pastor Dennis. Herman was forcing me to talk about ths issue when I was not ready and I only wanted some space by myself. This seemed strange 'coz it is the 1st groud rules between us - never force an argument unless if we are both ready. It is very strange that he broke it, but he did. I said I don't want to go see Pastor shiu , and herman said let's call him to our house. we ended up not doing it..... and in retropspect it would have been quite embarassing, ESP. taking into consideration that on the next day we have to dedicate Ethan in front of our congregation. We, as parents, are supposedly living a good Christian exmaples to him.
On 12/26, I opened up to IL a bit more. I have made room in my hert for Jesus to come in to work on me. It helped and we opened gifts and so forth. I wasn't ready to get lobby dobby yet... but they were. Because herman's dad came to me in private to say that when we go to the mall later, please give an opinion to 99 about what looks good on her. The whole memory of "Herman asking me to plase his mom" came back. But I took it in stride....lo yeah didn't know because he never heard the reasoning from Pastors. Funniest thing, Herman ALSO asked me that , while we were at the mall. I didn't find that as easy to forgive because it was my understanding that it'd be clear to hermna never to MAKE me do things to please her. I thought it was clear, but apparently it was a "gray" area to herman (as we talked calmly later), He said that it was only a question and he asked me in private, instead of putting me on the spot right there.. i guess i disagree but later we had an opportunity to talk calmly.
I stated that his parents are guests but somehow it's making me very uncomforatble and "Secondary" in my OWN home. right now, with them being here, it's as if they are making themselves "too comfortable" like it's their own home. they don't look like guests. I failed to provide tangible examples clear enough for herman to understnad my feelings. But things like, 99 having their own bed, own apron, own shoes, own towels in our home. Also lo yeah watching TV all day long. DON'T GET ME WRONG. i am a great host and I would want everyone to feel as if they are in their own home. It's just that my identity changed, everytime they are around. I feel like I am now in toronton, in THEIR home, and that them 3 have reverted back their way of living for 30 year,s and I am just a 4th person. BUt I should not feel that way, this is MY HOME. Herman did not see my point becasue he felt that his parents would've been OK if i say, "Let's change the channel" or "let's eat this instead of that"....no, that's not my point...again i could not come up w/ an example. I finally compared him to Kasin. I said that I felt I was always being treated special, even if kasin and I would visit his mom in Vancouver. I was always consdiered" FIrst, " and I felt valued. Even if we ended up doing things together, it was "my choice". right now I felt like my life details are planned and I am just informed. I then realized that it was the way that herman was brought up. it was a cultural thing. Kasin had been taught to be "say sum" (small heart, attentive to girlfriends) but Herman wasn't. In Herman's family, what's deemed as important is "pleasing mom". therefore both dad and herman please mom and make sure the engine runs fine. I have been dragged into this equation and I am not fond of it. Heramn countered to say, well if mom is no.1 then i would not have been leaving toronton to come to seattle. I said, but don't forget that you mom always said, that it was because she "approved" that's why you are in SEattle......
At this point, I realized , there's no changing of this behavior, because herman had been this way for years and it's of no use for me to tell him that. perhaps i can pray for a miracle to happen??????????
In any case, I wish to discuss with herman a compromise. After they leave, I wish to discuss w/ herman that 1 month is too long to endure. I will try to negotiate for 2 weeks each. 2 weeks in the winter, 2 weeks in the summer.
I have also emailed Wendy Lee - recommended by Pastor shiu, a counsellor. I really need to seek advice.....
posted by superfcbear at 1:49 PM
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