4/10/2005 4th session with barbar and discoveries
Barbara and I spent the last 2-3 sessions on my background. Thus far it has been me telling her storeis and not much revelation or advice. But the talking actualy helps me go thru a lot of things and within my own talking, I realized a bunch of stuff that never clicked before. For instance, with my description of my complicated family history, Herman's life is so simple in comparison. I went thru so much, including death of my dad, living w/ many relatives, having a step dad, having step brothers. I am sure all these affected me in ways that i didn't even realize.
T
This past Thursday, we started talking about herman's family and the relationship between him and his dad and his mom. We talked about my alienating my mom upon her return to HK. For the longest time I could not figure out why that is, esp. because she and I bonded so well during the first 2 months of ethan's arrival. I think i found the answer, at last. if 99 is the villain, then I wanted everyone to know and by her acting up and going out of control in front of everyone, was the perfect example of her being unreasonable. It was a perfect opportunity to display her evilness in front of everyone, inclding herman. But with my mom ALSO acting up and being involved in the fight, suddenly he picture isn't so clear, because my mom could be at fault and she could've triggered 99, the verdict , therefore, isn't as one sided as I hoped for - THAT, being said, was the very reason why I was upset at my mom.. This subsequently caused herman to say things to hurt me (that he'll "get my mom" next time). Suddenly he now has a brand new excuse why his mom "had all the good intention" but she was instigated, rather than wanting to cause trouble. In summary, my mom weakened my case of trying to convict 99. that sucks
We talked about how 99 is a naggin person and the wayherman and his father dealt with it is that they look away. let her ramble and leaving me the only person who had to look her in the eye to listen to repeat babbling. At this point, Barbara asked me, "How do you think herman feels when his mom nags and nags". I said , after thinking thru, "I assume he'd probably feel embarassed". Barbara: Why do you think he hasn't told her that. Me: Because he feels sorry for her, she's old and she's become this way and she didn't want to hurt her. Barbara: Why do you think herman hadn't ever shared this with you - commensurate with you and identify the same feelings you have" . ME: It's probably because if he and I honestly talks about it and if he admits that he feels the same way about his mom then he is afraid that i might ask him to talk to her about her excessive behavior. Since this means confrontation and means conflict therefore he'd rahter just "look away". Barbara: How would it make you feel if herman can start to share about his true feelings, and identify and bond with you about and have you be opened up. I bet that would mean the world to you. Because right now, with the 2 other men looking away, you are left to bear all this on your own. ME: YES, this made me realize something really important. Whennever they come, i feel like it's me against them. theoretically i should nto feel that way because this is my home but i feel that way strongly. This makes a lot of sense, it's because i am made to feel like i am the only person feeling that she's crazy and abnormal. Even if FIL and Herman both feel the same, they would not admit to it, and therefore I am on my own. Barbara: It's even worse that you can't open up to herman because he's on the edge of stress and you try to take everything upon yourself an you can't open up to him. Barbara continues: Start thinking about this but don't do anything at this point. What if we can get to a point where herman can share his true feelings w/ you, and you share your feelings w/ him, so you can start boinding, in a way that we are not asking mom to make changes. won't that be just great. Do you guys talk like this right now, do you share things? ME: yes but ethan, the dailiy grind leaves us with no time to talk....
our session ened here...it's very interesting. but we'll see what's next. I am not too optimistic about us changing. To begin with, we already tried that , during last Christmas. but in the end, he blew up so big that he's never blew up before...
i look forward to the next session
T
This past Thursday, we started talking about herman's family and the relationship between him and his dad and his mom. We talked about my alienating my mom upon her return to HK. For the longest time I could not figure out why that is, esp. because she and I bonded so well during the first 2 months of ethan's arrival. I think i found the answer, at last. if 99 is the villain, then I wanted everyone to know and by her acting up and going out of control in front of everyone, was the perfect example of her being unreasonable. It was a perfect opportunity to display her evilness in front of everyone, inclding herman. But with my mom ALSO acting up and being involved in the fight, suddenly he picture isn't so clear, because my mom could be at fault and she could've triggered 99, the verdict , therefore, isn't as one sided as I hoped for - THAT, being said, was the very reason why I was upset at my mom.. This subsequently caused herman to say things to hurt me (that he'll "get my mom" next time). Suddenly he now has a brand new excuse why his mom "had all the good intention" but she was instigated, rather than wanting to cause trouble. In summary, my mom weakened my case of trying to convict 99. that sucks
We talked about how 99 is a naggin person and the wayherman and his father dealt with it is that they look away. let her ramble and leaving me the only person who had to look her in the eye to listen to repeat babbling. At this point, Barbara asked me, "How do you think herman feels when his mom nags and nags". I said , after thinking thru, "I assume he'd probably feel embarassed". Barbara: Why do you think he hasn't told her that. Me: Because he feels sorry for her, she's old and she's become this way and she didn't want to hurt her. Barbara: Why do you think herman hadn't ever shared this with you - commensurate with you and identify the same feelings you have" . ME: It's probably because if he and I honestly talks about it and if he admits that he feels the same way about his mom then he is afraid that i might ask him to talk to her about her excessive behavior. Since this means confrontation and means conflict therefore he'd rahter just "look away". Barbara: How would it make you feel if herman can start to share about his true feelings, and identify and bond with you about and have you be opened up. I bet that would mean the world to you. Because right now, with the 2 other men looking away, you are left to bear all this on your own. ME: YES, this made me realize something really important. Whennever they come, i feel like it's me against them. theoretically i should nto feel that way because this is my home but i feel that way strongly. This makes a lot of sense, it's because i am made to feel like i am the only person feeling that she's crazy and abnormal. Even if FIL and Herman both feel the same, they would not admit to it, and therefore I am on my own. Barbara: It's even worse that you can't open up to herman because he's on the edge of stress and you try to take everything upon yourself an you can't open up to him. Barbara continues: Start thinking about this but don't do anything at this point. What if we can get to a point where herman can share his true feelings w/ you, and you share your feelings w/ him, so you can start boinding, in a way that we are not asking mom to make changes. won't that be just great. Do you guys talk like this right now, do you share things? ME: yes but ethan, the dailiy grind leaves us with no time to talk....
our session ened here...it's very interesting. but we'll see what's next. I am not too optimistic about us changing. To begin with, we already tried that , during last Christmas. but in the end, he blew up so big that he's never blew up before...
i look forward to the next session
posted by superfcbear at 10:41 PM
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