1/23/2005 A crash in life but will commit to feel better

I am sitting in the family room typing away on my laptop. Ethan is sleeping and Herman is in NYC on business. I had turned on my favorite music.. As it is jamming away, I realized that this is what I had dreamed of. A happy family, someone who loves me.A cozy room with jazz music. i have got it all....i have been thoroughly blessed each and everyday...

Yet this past few days I had a "crash" in life.. the kind of crash that God allows to mold me and to make me stronger...

Friday I was dragged in Susan's office. Someone entered a question on the anonymous Support Website to ask if it's ok to work 4x10 and 1 day from home. Susan responded that the policy is to do either but no both. The person replied further to say that but one of the analysts does that.. susan goes around each team and found out it was me. She was in the nicest tone and completely understood that this was innocent. As Dave approved this and made me put it on paper... but a policy is a policy is a policy and she has asked me to choose to either do 4x10 or WAH one day a week. Susan was nice to me - she could've been nasty but she wasn't.. but as I drove home I started tearing a bit... I felt extremely overwhemed. First, 2 weeks ago we had unprotected sex. At the time i thought my period was about to come. I am still waiting... i was so scared that I stopped by Walgreens and got a pack of EPT test. (i tested negative, but it still doesn't explain why my period is THIS late... In my head I was overhwmeled with the enormous cost to let ethan go to 5 days a week at BH (1600) plus parking is $270. and then I have to send money home. the 700+ that i put in herman and I's joing acct will barely cover just the day care expenses... Then I felt for sure I am pregnant. Then I realized that I have lost that battle with work, with whomever was trying to point me out (We think it's Pete, even susan admitted that he's under-handed...) but this battle I have no way to win... I suddenly realized that if I am pregnant then in 9 months i have to face the 99/mom ordeal all over again...when this hurt isn't event healed.. On top of al lthis I am still nursing ethan and I want to be able to enjoy him solely for a little longer. What would happen when I have two, how do I afford putting two to Bright Horizon? I barely make enuf to cover for 1 , with the allocation of stock/401K/savings for mom, right now..... I broke down. I cried even in front of herman. I was plainly stress. For the longest time I could not come before the Lord to say a prayer i meant. I felt that my life is full of sin because I haven't made the committment to "forgive and forget". I felt that if I still have this attitude then I do not deserve coming to God. Meanwhile, the damage this has done between herman and I are so deep. I felt hopeless to a point I want to just call it quits. my job, my marriage... but I vow to never quit my job because I need the financial stability. And because I need the financial stabilisy, i dare not stop contributing to 401K, savigns and ESPP.... i was in panic mode.

I managed to hang on and to not ruin Saturday- the day before herman leaves for business. it was a lousy day.... downpour and warm. it was just nasty.

Sunday morning Herman left and I took Ethan to church my self. I realized that I haven't had the time to do devotion. but how can I be devoting when I am not even abel to come before the Lord to pray?

this evening Bosco and Gloria came to dinner... the most considerate people because they brought dinner over to cook for us.... I told bosco my feeling and my situation of not being able to come to the Lord. he said my guilt is what's driving this. My guilt is blocking me because I have a preconcevied notion that I must pray the things that God wants to hear. What I should pray, is just the naked truth of how i feel - and that is, that I am not able to accept and forget and forgive right now. Pray about this and stop at just that. God is all-knowing and he already knew how I feel...the thing that I am doing wrong THE MOST is I am trying to take control of what i feel i should change (e.g. change the relationship between me and 99). by feeling guilty (of being a unforgiving Christian) implies that I am taking matters in my own hands - WRONG. i need to unload to God. I need to let Him be in charge. I need not think of a solution - not with this. I just need to admit that I am not able to... then slowly i will get strengthed by him. and slowly i will feel that it doesn't bother me as much. God may change me, God may change them. I don't know and I should let God do His work.

I felt better. I prayed my prayer and that's all I said.. I am not ready to forgive. I told the truth. the truth is that I do not want to ever have to deal w/ 99 or my mom, ever again. My wish would be to have just herman and Ethan and that's the end of that. i stopped at this. I prayed that God will just inject my heart and do a creative act - turn water to wine, even thou the element isn't in me at all.

I will go to rest tonight, knowing that I will just be true to myself and I will speak my mind, even if it's to condemn God for what He's done.... i already feel better......

1/10/2005 Men are just as hard to understand as women

Today I received a dozen of roses delivered to me at worked. they were from Herman. When I said, "Men are just as hard to understand as women" it's because on Saturday after we've dropped off his parents to the airport, we had a HUGE ASS BITTER fight. The fight sort of came as a shock because just 2 days prior to that, Herman said to me, "hang in there hon, I know it's difficult". I was not sure what triggered that fight. I was so close to canceling our BB group meeting because I felt that we could not be leaders with these huge problems in front of us....

In the car was when Herman started asking how old my mom is... he said, do you know how old my mom is? 70, he said, how old is your mom? I said, probably close to 60........this then went on to a flow blown lash out on his part. He said that I activated the ulcer that his mom had, during this visit. Did I know she was throwing up so bad and it was all because I 'gik" her. Herman said, "How many times did my mom wrong you? twice? 3 times? 4 times? For the record, you guys are EVEN". In fact, When I see your mom next time, whether it's in HK or here, if I don't make sure she goes to the hospital, I haven't done my job. I thought of this 4 times in the last month. I will do my job to make sure she goes to the hospital!......." Caught by the biggest surprise, I couldn't even get a word in yet, he continued to say" How much money do you send home each month". I said, "so this is about money?" He interrupted and said, "How much! I want to know how much, right now, answer me! I want to make sure it's square and fair. Did you know my mom never cared about money and they gave us $60K to help out? Did you know your mom lied about money in front of my parents?" He brought up the incident during my maternity leave when his parents said "We are eating so much that we are making Herman poor". This was brought up during the fight between mom and 99, Herman denied hearing this but later on told me in private that he might have overheard that but even if his parents did say that, they meant it in a joking way. I corrected him right away by saying that there was no lying on my mom's part - misunderstanding maybe, but no lies. He siad that it was hypocritical that my dad said Ethan was cute. 'coz he cared at all then he would've come to see him. I stopped him right there and said that he better not start to accuse before he knew the whole story Herman was just fuming and the "sending my mom to the hospital" just made me sooo pissed. we were not calm and not nice to each other. He said he would not show up for the bb group meeting and I was very close to calling everyone to call it off.

I am not sure what I did to cause it. One thing for sure, if I were to make a guess, is that Herman’s mom probably said something to him the last night before they left. Herman got stressed and had to take it out on me. This wasn't new, he's snapped on me many times due to stress from his mom. There were many various incidents before and this time.... I just didn't expect that it would happen AFTER they left. After we "faked" being OK during the meeting, we did not talk the entire night. He has calmed way down by the evening, offering me oranges and asking questions about Ethan. but I was quite pissed and wasn't ready to talk.

On Sunday we did not go to church. I feel like a big sinner and I can't come in front of the Lord. I initiated the talk with him... I said,"HOn I can understand that you are very sad with your mom's ulcer being activated during her vacation, but this can't be solely blamed on me. This is her past condition and despite the fact that it was stressful during the past month but bear in mind that it was also stressful for me. You made it sound like that I was upstairs plotting this against her and that I was celebrating when her ulcer activated! Just 2 days ago when we were in the car, you consoled and comforted me to tell me hang in there. What suddenly made you forget that this was just as hard for me as it is for everyone? " Herman understood that he had way over-reacted and said that he was fuming and apologizes for what he said. I said, Hon, words can hurt people so much deeper than a punch in the face can. Words spoke would be like water spilled, you can't collect it back. He was upset because in the last night, I was "black face and black mouth" and I was "blunt" with them the whole time. And yes, I was... I have nothing to defend. but I reiterated that my actions wasn't uncalled for and it wasn't without reasons. Even he said his mom understood why I was the way I was. I honestly admitted that before they were here (and also, now that they are gone) I was not able to foresee my how much a swing my emotions would be. I thought (and think now) that problems will be resolved and I will "try my best" but it simply wasn't straight forward like that. I tried to pray and read articles and it was already helping but I haven't improved enough to get to a point where I can be cheerful in front of them. I chose to hide upstairs because that avoided many more rough situations had I been downstairs. I basically explained to Herman that it's so hard, because, when I do see his mom, I can’t help but to hate her. I admit that this is something I will need to work w/ the counselor on. I can't control my negative emotion towards her and it just takes over every good intention I previously had. Then we talked about money. I said that from now on we will split everything up evenly. Since he makes twice the money I do, I will be responsible for 1/3 the cost of the mortgage, 1/3 Ethan’s day care etc. He said STOP IT. I said, I don't want to hear anything about me owing anyone any money. Money is the sorest of all sore subjects and since I have a job and I contribute to the family, it's now time to get even. He said that he doest not care about money and he only brought that up because he felt that his family was shafted - well I interrupted him and said then from now on let's be fair and square. he sends however much money home as he pleases and I will manage my side of the money! I have no choice but to support my family because in earlier years they were cheated by business associates and so all the savings were gone and for his information, my dad didn't choose to not come see Ethan, he was denied a visa at the embassy because he was bankrupt and he could not get out of the country! I have a job and I will support my family or else they will be on the street begging. I said from now on let's just be fair. He tried and tried to undo what he said and also to let me know that if his mom was treated with respect then he wouldn't even have brought up everything about money. Unless if we go separate ways then we are not separating our money. I am pretty calm by now and I said, you know, so maybe it would have to come to this point.... Later, Herman said, 'no I do not want to go separate ways. I don't want Ethan to grow up without a dad. I love you both..... He said he's sick of playing Mr. Nice guy 'coz he felt that despite all that, he's been nice to my mom and he just wanted to get even. I said, do you know why it's hard for you to be a jerk to my mom? "coz she hadn't made you feel like you are this evil person!!! I have been having to deal with "stealing your mom's son" ever since we first met, > 6 years ago. Sure, we got better in the subsequent years but by making myself vulnerable, I was hurt over and over again. He asked if I was mad at his mom only because of the mom/99 incident last time? (did she do anything wrong to me personally). I said, yes. There was one time Ethan was ill with a cold (his first cold) I did not bring him down and later on his dad came to tell me to go talk to her... Apparently I have caused trouble. I had a discussion w/ his mom and dad (and I do not believe Herman was aware of this) and she said, "sorry for misunderstanding you,from now on I will just tell you and make myself be clear *(i.e. instead of getting mad at you secretly). So, even that , I caused trouble. this hasn't changed for the better. And the 99/mom incident just put us sooo many steps back, I am basically very protective of me being hurt again. I said, do you know why you don't quite have the same intensity towards my mom? It's because 99 has always made me feel like this intruder of the closely bonded family of 3. I stole away the "best son" who was praised by all these aunties and uncles. I took everything away!! My mom never thought that highly of me and in fact she thanked Herman for taking care of me. This is why he was never made to feel like shit, like I was.

things got better over Sunday afternoon and we went to home depot, and later had dinner at Jaks'... But my eyes were so swollen from crying and I was coming down w/ a sore throat.... It's too bad that it had to end this way, and I don't know when we'd see them again but hopefully we have learned and can move on. I is still my intention to seek help with a counselor..... I need to resolve my internal anger. The saddest thing is, right now, with them not being there, I feel optimistic about the situation. When they are actually here in the house, I cannot control my anger AT ALL. Every word she speaks, every move, makes me sooo pissed.....

In addition to that, he felt that 1 month is not long at all, for a visit. I said we just have to agree to disagree. I also told him that if he chooses to hate my mom, I will respect his feelings. Because he has respected my feelings very very well this time and gave me the space for it, I will extend the same to him.


So, today when I got these flowers, I wasn’t sure how to react?! what have I done? Is he saying sorry for the fight? or is he trying to be nice so I can be nice back? what is that all about?