4/21/2005 a great, radical discovery session with Barbara

As I walked to KFC getting dinner after Barbara's appt today. I reminded myself to unclench and take a deep breath. I was in deep thoughts, I condiered what we had today, a radical break through. My next step is to unveal this to herman and see if he would agree.

We skipped one week of session. 2 weeks ago we made some important discoveries. Part of the reason that my relationship with my mom changed, as as result of the soup incident, was because i felt that mom "failed one for me". I "had hope" to catch 99 rat-handed (sp?) and point to everyone that she's the trouble maker. Why? Because, with the strong evidence, heramn and lo yeah will see it once again in their own eyes, that 99 is unreasonable and controlling and that it's not only ME who thinks that. (So far I am the only person who will outright think that she's abnormal...herman may think that, but he hasn't admit to it, he has only asked me to do different thigns to yield to her) I want the acknowledgement from Herman that his mom is abnormal, and therefore I deserve the space he cut for me, and the support that he needs to have for me. But my mom failed this one. now, herman has some ammunition to come back and say, "Sure, my mom is unresonable, sometimes; but your mom instigated it and look, she's not all that rational either". Now I have lost that one-sided confirmation that everything would've been fine if it had not been 99's craziness.

Today's radical discovery : It even took me a while to digest it.... Barbara and I talked about something that I've never considered... What if 99 moves across the street from us. What would herman's reaction be... I answered without having to ponder too much, "he'd be very happy". So far it's just me resisting that idea, in fact they have already had "plans in their heads to move closer".... Barbara said,"How likely would it be, that Herman actually prefers them to stay where they are (Toronto) and go on their lives w/ their friends and activities?" How likely is it that Herman actually, repress his mother, who's controlling and grips onto her son very tightly, what if deep down inside of herman, he actually wants to get away from all these years of control?" I squinted and thought, "no it can't be. he's sooo close to his parents". Barabara said, "Why is it that he ended up marrying a woman who's independent and who's unlikely to put up with mom and in fact, would fight against mom?" What if I tell you that he's actually subconsciously having his assertive wife to do this FOR him (and herman repressses the feeling of needing to get away from mom). I said, "well, it's possible but what if he made a mistake in the woman he chose? it's possible." Barbara: "Still - if Herman thinks it's so important to please mom, why would he be attracted to a person, who doesn't come across to be very "yieding""?...... . I started to make connections....so if this theory were true that actually there's a part of herman trying to get away from her tight grip, then it explains why he and his dad tries to "dump mom on me". This explains why, in the earlier days, herman asks me to go to the kitchen and help out, while he and dad watched TV. ALso explained why I am asked to go shopping with her and give suggestions at the dressing room; also explaines why at night, I am asked to hold mom's hands; also explains why lo yeah asks me to "go check on mom in her room"......... All of these were, for lack of a better term, dumping mom on Yvonne. Herman and dad had to be attentive to a demanding mom and wife for a very long time and finally Yvonne enters the pictue. She's that "woman"/daughter/sibling that they never had but so wanted and needed - to alleviate mom's demands..... now the "women" can go do what women do! Herman and dad now shift the responsibilities to me. That explains why they "look away" when mom babbles and I am the only person that looks mom in her eyes and was forced to listen on the babbles....

Suddenly it soooo make sense. I am not sure how well this will be received when i try to explain to herman. No. 1, it may NOT be entirely true (although if I can make all the connections, it can't be just a made up fantasy). No.2 if it were true, it's possible he's UNAWARE of it. and that it's only happening on a subconscious level!!! And even if we mull this over and do some serious thinking, it may take a big effort for him to admit to it and know and agree that he had been dumping on me and that he was trying to repress mom (this takes so much to admit, because, herman is a "guilt-loaded" person, when it comes to his family.

Barbara reassures that if we can get to this point, she can offer suggestions on how to help me talk to herman and find comfort within . But it's a brand new idea and I really have never thought of seeing it this way. I'd imagine then, herman would come back and say, "then so .... why can't you do that for us?".... i am not sure what I'd say back? Truly, if the damange hadn't been so deep, I'd be OK with taking on these duties...but the damage was simly tooo much and frankly, the issue is, I did not sign up to be the daughter. I signed up to be Herman's wife and have a familiy with him. These "other duties" weren't agreed upon.

I am waiting for an opportune moment to calmly discuss things. My life has been quite stressful with ehtna being ill and working from home..... i can't wait. but I praised God for a wonderful wonderful session

4/9/2005 BB has strange emotions and stranger anxiety attack

yesterday (Friday) we went to our 1 yeard check up w/ dr. Roskin. Ethan is now 31.5 inches and 27lb 9 oz ( i was shocked it wasn't 30lbs, honestly). Everything is trackign normal and Roskin isnt' concerned about the walking/crawling . he thinks that he'll do so in the next 4-8 weeks..we'll see. Actualy lately he's been scooting a step or two WHILE IN CRAWLING position. Then he backs up and sits back down. Roskin recommened a skin test at the alergist after i explaine the never going away ezcema.. he did say that srping time can be bad... i had started putting 0.5% hydrocortisone for a couple days and do see an improvement. Rosking say use 1%, 3 times a day!! i'd be happy to see slight improvement w/ the 0.5%... he said better to use it and keep him from scracthing. We will start to give him whole milk soon :) Hopefully he'll like it. Also need to start using a tooth bruth lah.

I made an appt w/ dr. Gail Shapiro - the doctor who saw Cole, and supposedly best in town. When i found out that she also sees adults, i made an appt for myself too. let's see what else, besides wheat. speaking of which, bb's alergies made me expore a lot of non wheat and gluten free cooking. We made some brown rice pasta w/ grond beef and speghetti sausce, and it tastes like normal pasta. also made corn bread...and will try many other thigns... thanks to whole foods. (Thank's to GOD for letting us be able to afford all this)

In the evening as ethan was having his banana, i asked for some - he won't give any, so I pretend to cry....suddenly he started crying too - it was sympahy cry!! It was sooo sweet. my little baby is definitely growing up and learning emotions

ethan can say "dung dung" and pointn at the light now. very cute. Also will say bye bye and wave (i think i have repaeted that 1/2 million times). We sing a lot of songs.... when i sing or play "If you are happy" then he knows to clap his hands. We sing "itsy bitsy spider", we also like "head and shoulder kneeds and toes. He loves if when we do "Rub your tummy"....


Today herman went to Charlie Dang to do taxes. we owed close to $4k. It would've been 5K before the fudging :( I guess w/ herman seeling so much ESPP last year it was like a 200K income. i made 1/2 o my salaray 'coz i was 4 months off! After that we went to IDX Bright horizon 'coz they have a 2 yr anniversary event. Not a lot of kids were there.. but we got to eat really good sandwiches. Main man saw sandy and went for her right away. After that , main man was quite tired and as we arrived jim and joanna's for bb group meeting he snoozed in the car. And I was snoozing also - for 1.5 hrs... we went in there and the meeting was already almost over. KK didn't go 'coz she's had HIGH fever (104) for a couple nigihts. poor thing, and they suspected UTI but then the tube could not get in :(

Tonight we wnet to coho for dinner.. across from us sits a big group of people. there was a guy w/ a goatie and a mustach. he was actually friendly and was waving to Ethan. Ethan waved back...it was fuine. Suddenly as he was eating his pasta and beef, he started crying!! BIG DROPS OF TEARS come down his face!! I was in panic, I thought he was choking!!! i thook him and flipped him on my lap and started to hit his neck..... everyone was watching. Finally he was ok and i held him in my arms to console him....after walking him around for a bit, we sat him down again.. there the crying starts again!! At this point we clued in - he did not choke, he cried because he saw that guy w/ the beard!! Ethan has never done this befoe!!! he's never been "Afraid" of anyone really!! but for sure this was it. he kept trying to turn around to watch him and then keep bursting into tears. Joyce and herman and I felt it was really silly but the poor guy was so sad!!! We'd imagine that the guy did a funny face to him or something!! And i mean this still didn't end after the group has left!!! he still looked and still started to cry.. FINALLY the waiter separated the 2 tables and reset that up and then he stopped crying...geeze. this is weird - defeinitely a new 1 year old thing. but sooo cute.

4/10/2005 4th session with barbar and discoveries

Barbara and I spent the last 2-3 sessions on my background. Thus far it has been me telling her storeis and not much revelation or advice. But the talking actualy helps me go thru a lot of things and within my own talking, I realized a bunch of stuff that never clicked before. For instance, with my description of my complicated family history, Herman's life is so simple in comparison. I went thru so much, including death of my dad, living w/ many relatives, having a step dad, having step brothers. I am sure all these affected me in ways that i didn't even realize.
T

This past Thursday, we started talking about herman's family and the relationship between him and his dad and his mom. We talked about my alienating my mom upon her return to HK. For the longest time I could not figure out why that is, esp. because she and I bonded so well during the first 2 months of ethan's arrival. I think i found the answer, at last. if 99 is the villain, then I wanted everyone to know and by her acting up and going out of control in front of everyone, was the perfect example of her being unreasonable. It was a perfect opportunity to display her evilness in front of everyone, inclding herman. But with my mom ALSO acting up and being involved in the fight, suddenly he picture isn't so clear, because my mom could be at fault and she could've triggered 99, the verdict , therefore, isn't as one sided as I hoped for - THAT, being said, was the very reason why I was upset at my mom.. This subsequently caused herman to say things to hurt me (that he'll "get my mom" next time). Suddenly he now has a brand new excuse why his mom "had all the good intention" but she was instigated, rather than wanting to cause trouble. In summary, my mom weakened my case of trying to convict 99. that sucks

We talked about how 99 is a naggin person and the wayherman and his father dealt with it is that they look away. let her ramble and leaving me the only person who had to look her in the eye to listen to repeat babbling. At this point, Barbara asked me, "How do you think herman feels when his mom nags and nags". I said , after thinking thru, "I assume he'd probably feel embarassed". Barbara: Why do you think he hasn't told her that. Me: Because he feels sorry for her, she's old and she's become this way and she didn't want to hurt her. Barbara: Why do you think herman hadn't ever shared this with you - commensurate with you and identify the same feelings you have" . ME: It's probably because if he and I honestly talks about it and if he admits that he feels the same way about his mom then he is afraid that i might ask him to talk to her about her excessive behavior. Since this means confrontation and means conflict therefore he'd rahter just "look away". Barbara: How would it make you feel if herman can start to share about his true feelings, and identify and bond with you about and have you be opened up. I bet that would mean the world to you. Because right now, with the 2 other men looking away, you are left to bear all this on your own. ME: YES, this made me realize something really important. Whennever they come, i feel like it's me against them. theoretically i should nto feel that way because this is my home but i feel that way strongly. This makes a lot of sense, it's because i am made to feel like i am the only person feeling that she's crazy and abnormal. Even if FIL and Herman both feel the same, they would not admit to it, and therefore I am on my own. Barbara: It's even worse that you can't open up to herman because he's on the edge of stress and you try to take everything upon yourself an you can't open up to him. Barbara continues: Start thinking about this but don't do anything at this point. What if we can get to a point where herman can share his true feelings w/ you, and you share your feelings w/ him, so you can start boinding, in a way that we are not asking mom to make changes. won't that be just great. Do you guys talk like this right now, do you share things? ME: yes but ethan, the dailiy grind leaves us with no time to talk....

our session ened here...it's very interesting. but we'll see what's next. I am not too optimistic about us changing. To begin with, we already tried that , during last Christmas. but in the end, he blew up so big that he's never blew up before...
i look forward to the next session